Helpful Hints for First Years
by BajaB
Summary: What things should First year students at Hogwarts know? A two chapter list fic of warnings and information vital to happiness and success at Hogwarts, or maybe not.
1. Chapter 1

**_A/N Time for some silliness. I had great hopes for this fic, but once again ran out of energy before doing it properly. I may rewrite it to have more story (and ideas), but for now I just hope it makes you laugh_**

The origin of the notice on the Caretaker's door next to the ever increasing list of 'Banned Items' was unknown, but over time it appeared that many people added to it (if the different styles of handwriting were any indication). So far all attempts to remove it had failed, although it was suspicious that new items seemed to appear immediately after any of the Professors were seen 'trying to take it down'.

Helpful hints to First years.

1) If you find a three headed dog, don't try to pat it, feed it, or take it back to your dorm.

2) Yes, hearing voices that nobody else hears is bad, but you still should tell somebody.

3) If you find a troll wandering about the castle, don't stick your wand up its nose unless it is already unconscious and you don't like your wand.

4) Turbans are not evil and not everybody wearing them is 'hiding something'.

5) Polyjuice tastes bad, really bad, and you have to put a bit of the person you want to look like into it. Now ask yourself "Is it really worth it?"

6) Werewolves are not housebroken and not do not calm down if you say 'nice doggy' lots of times in a soothing voice.

7) 'Witchy-poo' is not a term of endearment when referring to female Witches.

8) It's 'Madam Hooch', not 'Hoochie Mama'.

9) Accio the damn Egg, Cup, and 'thing you will miss the most'. Saves time and effort.

10) Ferret is a term of endearment when referring to Malfoy and should be used as often as possible. He secretly likes it.

11) Good Prefects don't like to be 'in' on practical jokes.

12) Learn 'Reparo', 'Scourify' and 'Finite Incantatem' as soon as possible.

13) We are serious about the 'Hoochie Mama' thing.

14) History of Magic is a good place to catch up on homework from other classes, and sleep.

15) The Potions Professor's hair produces special oil that can be used to make a most amazingly powerful memory improving paste that is great for exam preparation. Just ask him for some, he will be happy to oblige.

16) The 13th use of Dragon's blood is NOT pimple removing cream.

17) Develop a good relationship with Madam Pomfrey outside of the Hospital wing BEFORE you end up spending half a semester in there.

18) Catnip should not be worn as a perfume or cologne in Transfiguration.

19) Ghosts do not have interesting parties.

20) Brilliant Quidditch players don't need to study. Getting hit multiple times in the head by bludgers tends to disrupt the normal thought processes anyway, so 'improving your mind' is a waste of time. Count on that scout in the crowd on coming through for your future.

21) The Forbidden Forest is NOT a great place to find a familiar – If it did 'follow you home' it was probably because it wanted to eat, or lay its eggs inside, you, your family, possibly your next door neighbours, and their dog...

22) The Whomping Willow does not make a good 'home base' for a game of tag.

23) The Headmaster's bird is a Phoenix, not 'an oversized budgie with vanity issues and delusions of grandeur'.

24) The Whomping Willow does not laugh and drop sweets from its branches if tickled. This was a rumour created when nobody wanted to play tag anymore.

25) The 13th use of Dragon's blood is NOT toothpaste or mouthwash. Trust us on this one.

26) Secret passages are only secret if you don't tell every man and his dog about them.

27) Do not encourage Peeves by telling him Professor Sprout will grow if she is watered.

28) House elves do not 'really appreciate' the 'extra effort' you go to in order to give them something to cleanup.

29) Quidditch is a valid topic for discussion at any time.

30) The Giant Squid would not 'make good sushi'. Nor would the lower half of Merepeople. It would be extremely foolish to try and test this.

31) Common grey garden rats that live for a long time do not make good familiars and should be held as suspect at the very least.

32) The 13th use of Dragon's blood is NOT 'body butter'.

33) Broom closets are not really for brooms. This is a magic castle and doesn't need a broom for every corridor and classroom; therefore the number, size and quality of the cupboards prove they were intended for 'recreational' activities.

34) Knowledge is not dangerous unless is it put to dangerous uses. That means the restricted section of the library is only called that to keep the more timid students away and you are here to learn things after all.

35) Pranking can often be explained as 'extra credit work' or 'independent study' if you are caught.

36) Don't ask Hagrid to help you find a new pet or familiar unless you get along with Madam Pomfrey very well.

37) The 13th use of Dragon's blood is very possibly Snape remover, but none of us have the guts to find out.

38) Openly referring to Potions as 'Cooking Class' will result in a series of very long detentions doing things you really don't want to think about to the corpses of small, (hopefully) dead animals.

39) The Lemon Drops in the head masters office are poisoned. Never accept one if he offers them to you. Remember, you are usually going to be in there because you have done something wrong and it is his job to punish you.

40) The Gargoyle statue does not get lonely and need people to stop and chat to it.

41) Flobberworms are not good to pet and will not turn into furry Gonks not matter how much love you show them.

42) Good things come in small packages, and they are much harder to hit in duels, so show some respect.

43) The Lemon Drops are not poisoned, but are highly addictive.

44) Writing "and goes good in a stir fry" will not get you extra marks on your potions exams, for ANY ingredient, even Dragon's Blood.

45) Duck. Often. You might think this makes you look silly, but it only takes once of not ducking to end up having to test your relationship with Madam Pomfrey.

46) Walking past the Room of Requirement three times thinking "There's no place like home" does not work.

47) Toads like to roam.

48) You cannot grow a "Honeydukes" tree by planting chocolate in the Forbidden Forrest at midnight during a full moon. Not even if you use Butter Beer as a fertiliser.

49) The Lemon Drops are not poisoned or addictive, but they are very, very old.

50) Getting a tattoo that resembles the Dark Mark in anyway is not a good idea, even if it is on your buttocks.

51) Proudly displaying said tattoo by standing on the table at breakfast and dropping your pants is an even worse idea. The Slytherins most definitely will not 'enjoy the show'.

52) The suits of armour move, so hiding things inside of them is a bad idea. Hiding yourself inside of them is even worse.

53) 'Honest Abe's Goats' do not make good familiars.

54) The REAL 13th use of Dragon's blood is… just go figure it out for yourselves. We did.


	2. Chapter 2

**_A/N At the risk of ruining the joke, I have decided to put the extra's that weren't on the first list.There were originally going to be a list inside each of the four command rooms with Hints tailored for each house, but I never got around to it. Ah well. Hopefully including these won't drag the joke out to become boring, but don't hesitate to tell me if it does, please!._**

Argus Filch became so frustrated at the ever expanding list that he eventually removed the door it was attached to. Within Days the original list reappeared along with a new list, and this time the lists glowed at night.

More Helpful Hints to make your stay at Hogwarts pleasant

1) If Professor Trelawney says something good is going to happen, be afraid.

2) If Professor Firenze answers a question directly, be very afraid.

3) If you play Quidditch, wear a cup. Brooms are not respectful of your capacity to continue your lineage.

4) Mars is not 'the angry, little red guy', and the moons of Jupiter are not named after the Seven Dwarves or their cousins.

5) Rubber chicken wands and transfiguration spells don't mix.

6) If you suddenly find yourself in a spooky graveyard and don't know why, run first, ask questions later.

7) The Room of Requirement will not provide you with a swimming pool filled with jelly (not even a small one!), a bathtub filled with beer, or even a Fountain of Firewhiskey.

8) The Astronomy Tower may be a romantic place at night, but it is often occupied by students with telescopes. The dungeons, while considered by most to be a bit on the dingy side, are almost always empty.

9) If somebody says they have seen a Horn-tail in your future, they may not be referring to a hormonally overloaded teenager, (but then again…)

10) The Room of Requirement will not provide you with a Harem.

11) Don't try and hide Moaning Myrtle's bathroom with a Fidelius Charm unless you want her to become a more permanent part of your life.

12) Rubber chicken wands and Charms don't mix.

13) The Goblin rebellions did not end when somebody 'offered them a cauldron load of cash to go home', so this is not a viable resolution for any future such problems, nor will this answer gain you extra credit in exams.

14) Don't bug the House Elves. They do your laundry and some of them like odd socks, so unless you never want to have a matching pair ever again, leave well enough alone.

15) Learn how to dance. It's like learning to swim; you may never have to do it, but best to know how to - 'just in case'.

16) Dementors do not 'just need a big hug'.

17) The Room of Requirement will not provide you with a brewery.

18) Broken wands make good umbrella stalks, but bad curses.

19) Invisible flying cars might sound cool, but they don't steer well, and brake even worse.

20) You are not paranoid. All the portraits report to the Headmaster (they really are out to get you).

21) Learn how to cast un-splinch spells BEFORE you start to learn how to apparate.

22) The Room of Requirement will not provide you with a tutor, someone to do your homework, completed assignments, or answers to the upcoming test.

23) Don't dare the Gryffindors, laugh at the Slytherins, tease the Ravenclaws, or bribe the Hufflepuffs. Any of these will likely end in tears.

24) Rubber chicken wands and Defence Against the Dark Arts don't mix, unless you can give one to your opponent.

25) There is a way to get a boy into the girl's dormitory, but it's much easier to get a girl into the guy's one. Neither action is recommended while there are still unmanned broom closets, class rooms, and Astronomy Towers around.

26) Even if thinking is not considered the 'primary attribute' of your house, doing so often results in fewer injuries, less pain, and no detentions. House points however are much more random.

27) Speaking of house points, the aim is end up with as many as possible. You have not 'earned the right to spend the points you gained in a manner of your choosing' despite what the seventh years from other houses tell you.

28) The Room of Requirement will not provide you with a waterslide or fun-park.

29) You may be considered a magical creature in some circles, but Professor Hagrid will never be teaching somebody how to care for you, no matter how much logic you try to use to convert him to this point of view.

30) There is no secret password that will make the stairs move like a Muggle rollercoaster. If you do stand at the top of one and shout 'those' words, the only ride you will be getting will be provided by the boot ejecting you from the grounds.

31) It is not possible to steal the cutlery from the main hall. House elves can be tenacious little buggers.

32) The Room of Requirement will not provide you with a secret tunnel out of the school grounds.

33) Nobody is ever really 'sacrificed to the Giant Squid'; especially not head first via the toilet.

34) Rubber chicken wands and History of Magic almost go hand in hand.

35) Don't prank the ghosts. There is nowhere you go that they can't follow.

36) Stunning yourself to skip a class rarely works out well.

37) The Room of Requirement will not provide you with a harem, really.

**Finite Incantatem**


End file.
